Originally written and posted on 11/6/2018

For 15 years, my dog was my best friend. I will never forget the day we got her. My mom and I were driving through town and saw a sign for puppies at the local pet shop. We stopped to just take a look. We spotted a cute little brown puppy sitting in the corner quietly, while all the others jumped excitedly at the patrons. She just looked around and had what looked like tears running down her cheeks. My mom picked her out and told me if I could name her within 1 minute, we could get her. She was ours before we named her...she was always meant to be with me.

 On October 17, my a piece of my heart died. My girl, my baby, was sick. I knew it was time to let her go...her old body hung on for a long time. I offered her all her favorite things but she wanted nothing. Her sad eyes just stared at me as her breathing became more labored. I held her in my arms for her last hours and her last breaths.

I will miss the click clack of her paws on the floor. The way she used to greet me every time I came in the door. The way she would follow me after I took a shower and would lick the back of my calves when I would walk to the bedroom to get ready. The way she would lay on the floor watching me do my hair and make-up - I would sing and talk to her the whole time. She always looked like she was listening.

Life isn't what you planned

Life never turns out the way you plan. The road you chose isn't necessarily the road you continue on. Life is constantly throwing you forks in the road. It's confusing. It's exciting. It's hard.

My life has recently taken a turn I never expected. Parts of myself that I forgot about and put on the back burner have come forward. I have never been a very religious person, however I have always fancied myself to be spiritual. I believe in the power of positive thinking and meditation and affirmations. I lost this part of myself for a long time to fit in with someone who I thought would be my life. I put my wanderlust on the shelf. I put my need for self-love on a shelf. I recently started to put my needs before others, something I have never done before. And many people in my life are supportive. One person however, isn't...because I stopped putting him first.

Maybe this is a path I shouldn't have started. Was it wrong of me to put someone else's needs before mine...because it lead him to a life where he is comfortable and his needs are being met while my needs are continuously suppressed away? And now that I want to put my needs first...it hurts him AND me. What is fair in this situation? Is anything fair? So many questions that I seek to find the answers too.

Life is hard. The answers I seek are hard to find. Will I ever find them? What path do I take?

Positive thought for the day: Great things are achieved by those who have no idea of the difficulty.